Hello Again

So, I've never been good with this blogging stuff. Life kinda takes over and I don't have time to write it all down. Although, reading back on some posts I wish I did! It has been one month shy of a year since I posted last. For the most part I think it has been because I was comfortable and content with life as it was and there just wasn't much to write about. Funny how God doesn't leave us comfortable for too long....

 A couple months ago I realized I was feeling lingering physical discomfort throughout my monthly cycle. When I went to the doctor's, after hearing my symptoms, he deduced that I most likely have endometriosis. He said I probably have had it since High school, but when I got married the birth control cleared it up enough to allow me to get pregnant immediately after I went off. Pregnancy held off further growth of Endometriosis, but after I finished nursing, it grew again. Now we are having trouble conceiving number two and in the 3 months of trying, I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

 I began getting nervous about this whole thing before seeing the doctor. I don't know if it was intuition or something physiological, but something told me that it wouldn't be as easy to get pregnant this time around. So my wrestling match with God began even before I knew for certain what was going on. Funny how I always assume the worst.

 Infertility has been one of my biggest fears in the past because having children has always been the dream that is closest to my heart. I never had any career goals, just wanted to be a mom and I always wanted more than two kids. Of course I had detailed plans about how I wanted the first two to be close together and ideally have two more a little more spaced out. Funny how we think we can decide these things.... When I found out I was pregnant with Jadon, my fears of infertility dissipated and because he came in the first month of trying, I never thought I would have to worry again. So I began planning for baby and delivery, with c-section being my worst fear. And guess what.... emergency c-section. Funny how God uses those "worst case scenarios" to show that he is sovereign and he wants full control. And there is where the wrestling comes in.

 As soon as I felt the pelvic discomfort at the onset of trying for number two, I started googling and discovering that my symptoms appeared to be the same as endometriosis, I said "Well, there it is. I'm not going to be able to have more kids. God has it out for me..." And I started coming to him. Complaining to Him. Telling him my feelings. Telling him I'm hurting. Telling him I'm scared. Telling him what I want. Telling him how much I want it. Almost demanding it. Mostly sounding like a spoiled child. Here I was with a wonderful husband, a comfortable house, plenty of food, a loving family and a darling little boy who is the joy of our lives. And I'm whining to God for more. Looking back to the whining times, if I were God I would have said, "come back when you can change your attitude." But instead, I felt as if God were saying, "Good, you're back. Your attitude is all wrong, you are here because you want something, but at least you are back. Here in my arms. Depending on me again...." And though his answer remained "Not now" he held me, consoled me, whispered to me, and called me out. And I was hearing him again.

  Things He said:
1. I made you. The doctor can't even diagnose you without surgery, but I formed every part of your body. I know how they are supposed to work, and I know how yours are affected now. If I formed you, I can heal you. But regardless, you are wonderfully made.
 Psalm 139: 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

 2. Trust me. Take captive your fears, they don't come from me. I can give you peace, but you have control your thoughts.
 Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

 3. You will have the opportunity to share me with future generations. To people yet unborn. Psalm 22:30-31 Our Children will also serve him. Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord. His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born. They will hear about everything he has done.

 4. While you're waiting, take joy in hoping. Don't be afraid of disappointment. Take joy in imagining the great things I have planned. Be patient through the pain, it is temporary. Keep coming to me! Romans 12:2 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

 These things are the extent of what I've written down. He's said other things, in other ways. My prayers are more submissive now, telling him that I trust him, but still asking Him for my hearts desire. They seem to always end asking Him what I should be doing in the meantime.... as far as the Kingdom goes. I don't know what this whole thing will bring about, but I am starting to think that my purpose extends past just raising my own children, but I don't know what that means just yet. I'm excited to find out!

  Some God tiny little God things that I stressed over and He took care of....

 1. Fear: What to do in the meantime? Should I go to the doctor again? Should I try to have the diagnostic surgery earlier? What if it gets worse? Should I change my entire diet?
 God's Provision: Mom was reading a fiction novel from the 1800s. The main character was going through menopause and thought she was going to die. The Doctor gave her Lydia Pinkham's Tonic and it got rid of her symptoms. Mom was dealing with some menopausal type things and googled it. Turns out they still sell it and people gave it raving reviews. After doing some of my owns research I find out that it not only helps with menopause, but it also helps relieve menstrual cramps AND is used for infertility!

 2. Fear: Would it be trying to fix it myself if I took this medicine? Would I be trusting the medicine or God? God's Answer: Sometimes I perform miracles by sheer power of mind. Other times I ask for tokens of faith. I made 5 loaves feed 5000 people. Do you think I really needed the 5 loaves?

 3. Fear: Is it safe to take? Will it jeopardize implantation?
 God's Provision: I called the doctor and had trouble getting through. They said they would call me back. As I sat in the parking lot at the store I debated if I should go in or not. I quickly prayed they wouldn't call while I was in the store. I went in and looked, didn't find anything so I left. As I was opening my car door, they called. Reassured me that I could take it before Ovulation, but not after.

 4. Fear: I ordered the medicine late and had to borrow mom's. Not enough for the entire 10 days or so. Answer: Medicine arrived WAY earlier than expected. Only missed 1 dose.

 This may be the beginning of a long journey of ups and downs. Or maybe it is a test of my faith, to see how I would respond in the waiting. Maybe I will have to wait a lot longer than expected to hold my second child in my arms, or maybe just a few short months. No matter what happens, I am close to God again. Sitting at his throne, communing with Him, trying to serve him, crying out to him, and falling asleep on His gigantic omnipotent chest. My perspective is slowly changing, and it sometimes hurts a lot, but I would not change it for anything, even my deepest desire.


Side Bar:
Before the doctor's visit, when I was beginning to suspect that something was wrong, I went to a Tenth Avenue North Concert with Mom, Jen and Taryn. I wanted desperately to hear from God. It seemed that the theme of the night, at least the one I kept hearing was Freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from slavery, freedom in Christ, etc. At one point (and I hesitate to say this was from God) this thought hit me like a slap in the face: "Carleigh means freedom. You will have a Carleigh someday." Was it something I heard because I wanted to hear it? Maybe. Was it something I will remember with some emarassment because it didn't come true or because I will end up having a boy..... perhaps. But I wanted to write it down, so when it does happen, I can look back and see God's fingerprints.....

Christmas

This Christmas holds much excitement for me. I think I am more excited for Christmas now that I have a kid than I was when I WAS a kid.... well, at least AS excited :) I'm planning on packing the tree full of presents, filling the stockings, setting my coffee maker for the morning and going to bed late. All of this so that I can get my 8 month old baby out of his crib, bring him into the living room and watch him look at me like, "Ok mom, where's breakfast?" Ha, yes I may have to counter my anticipation with a bit of reality, as he obviously won't understand what is going on.... but I am excited nonetheless. I am fully prepared to plop him down in the middle of the boxes and let him attack the wrapping paper and bows. I am also fully prepared for him to get more joy out of those than he will out of his new toys. I just can't wait to spend my first Christmas morning with both of my favorite people on EARTH. All the stress of planning, shopping, and getting here or there this holiday season will melt away for those few hours Christmas morning, and I can't WAIT!

This year I have been thinking a lot about gifts. As a first time parent, the desire to give my child the world has come naturally and not only in the form of Christmas presents. I mean, really... how can you give a gift to a child? EVERYTHING is new to them. Jadon has more fun banging his hands on his highchair tray or exploring Mommy's shoe than anything else. This makes it possible to give him gifts all day long! A new position on the floor, a new food to try, a new game to play, and sometimes a new toy.

Just a few weeks ago I was at Meijer buying some groceries. I decided to pick up a small bath toy for the nights bath that night since he plays with the same ducky every night. When I gave him the silly little turtle on a stick, you would have thought I was giving him a million bucks. His arms flailed, he splashed water hear and there as he squealed and grinned from ear to ear. Nothing compares to the satisfaction of bringing joy to your little one. And I was reminded that God is a parent too. Does he feel that deep satisfaction when we delight in the gifts he has given us? Those times of pure delight when I pick Jadon up and he growls while he squeezes my neck and I am overwhelmed with love for this little gift. Or those nights where Mark comes home, scoops Jadon up and takes both of us in his arms and again I am overwhelmed with delight in the gifts I've been given. But my mom reminded me when I was talking to her about these things that God's greatest gift was not material and not even family, but his greatest gift was His own son's life. Born as a baby. Born to die. A death that brought salvation- a gift we couldn't earn, a gift of grace. How often I look past that, or take it for granted. Sometimes I never give it a second glance. Or when its mentioned I say , "Oh yeah, thanks for that." and go about my business, delighting in his OTHER gifts.
I am trying to remember these things and focus on God's greatest gifts, but I realize that I know very little about the goodness of Salvation. I mean, I understand the basic idea, but I don't think I begin to comprehend all of the facets of its perfection. Even God's purest earthly gifts, like family and friends, will fail us. They will disappoint or make us angry. They will take our time and leave us. But salvation is PERFECT and not dependent on us. This is difficult to grasp. But I want to learn more, and experience more, and delight in this gift on a new level. Sounds like a good goal for 2012....take delight in God's greatest gift of all!

So Many Changes

It has been a while since I've posted anything. Sometimes because I don't know what to write, other times because I can't CHOOSE what to write, and a lot of times because I'm too tired to write! But now, staying true to my blog name, I am waiting to switch the laundry before I go to bed so I will have clothes to wear to church tomorrow, and I have been wanting to say some things about stuff.

First of all, my little boy is growing up SO fast. Just yesterday, I had the most delightful day with him. He woke up with his grin as usual and squeezed me tight to start my day. I thought to myself, I REALLY don't know what I did without this morning routine! I can't think of a better way to get the ball rolling.

Secondly, speaking of rolling, Jadon has become a PRO at rolling, scooting, rocking, pulling, twisting, and anything OTHER than crawling. When he figures out where he wants to go, he figures out HOW to get there.... he just doesn't do it the traditional way. He has also started with a few finger foods. I let him play with some Gerber puffs and a sippy cup in his highchair while I was washing dishes in the kitchen. About half the puffs ended up in his seat or on the floor, some stuck to his face, some to his clothes. But he did manage to get a couple in his mouth and drink a couple sips of water. It is so funny to watch him concentrate SO hard and grin when he knows he did it! And the changes continue....

He has also learned peekaboo, lip smacking, tongue clicking, and the 'word' "bababababababa" which he over enunciates using his entire mouth. Reading these paragraphs over again, these things sound kind of boring- run of the mill baby stuff. I can't describe how every giggle and peekaboo and new trick warms my heart and makes my day. Its all in the little things. The things I can't write down, the things that I won't have forever, and the things that will change again. How can I hold onto those things.... or should I? Well, right now I have to change the wash, kiss my sleeping baby goodnight and go to bed because tomorrow has enough changes of its own!

When Skies are Gray

Today I decided last minute to go to Taryn's cross country meet. She only had one left after this and I thought errands could wait until tomorrow. Besides, I was already headed out that way for a wedding shower later that night. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, it began raining pretty hard. Luckily Grandpa had left about 15 umbrellas in his car that we bought from Grandma after he passed away.... Its days like today I thank him for the little presents he left :) Anyway, I put Jadon's carseat in the stroller for full canopy coverage. As I'm wheeling him down to the field, I discover that the school has decided to fence the field so that its only access is through a gate and down some steps. I managed to hoist the stroller onto the hill after going through the gate and began pushing it over lumpy wet grass to get down to where they were running. Meanwhile I'm getting soaked and fighting with the umbrella to keep it from going inside out. I must have been quite the sight! Somewhere in the middle of this frustrating dampness, I looked down at Jadon to make sure he wasn't getting soaked. There he was, dry as a bone and cracking up. He giggled over every squishy bump and I couldn't help but laugh. I don't know if he was laughing at me or the bumpy road, but he sure brought a smile to my face :) He is so much like his dad sometimes....always finding something to laugh at....no wonder I love him so much. When the day was done, I had caught the end of Taryn's race, she had blown her old time out of the water (literally) , I went to my shower a bit sloppy, enjoyed time with friends, came home and put a super tired little boy to bed. Rainy days aren't always convenient, but they also don't always have to get me down!

Thinking too much

Its official: Bath time is my favorite time with my baby. As soon as I lay him down in his tub, the fun begins. He grins, he giggles, he makes hilarious faces. He has a toy duck that squirts water from its beak. As soon as I lift that thing into his view, he goes CRAZY. Arms and legs flailing, tongue out, back arched. Tonight the tongue was really going. He use to barely stick it out, but tonight it was ALL the way out, while the limbs were flailing. How ridiculous would I look doing that? However, he looked absolutely adorable! Oh to be 5 months old :) Yes, the personality just pops when he's soaking in the tub. Bathtime is my favorite time... that is, until I rock him to sleep, or wake him up in the morning, or see his funny grin behind mounds of rice cereal.....I love my job :)

I looked at Jadon today and thought he literally grew overnight. He really looked bigger to me today than he did yesterday. When I was pregnent, and when he was first born, everyone I came into contact with would say, "enjoy him, they grow up so fast" or something to that effect. What do you do with that though? I distincty remember sitting in the rocking chair with him on my chest, all 8 or 9 pounds of him. Just sitting. Sitting and conciously enjoying. Now he's pushing 20 pounds and I am still enjoying. But the thought struck me today that I won't have those chubby armed hugs around the neck forever. The realization that such a HUGE joy is temporary brought me to tears, until I remembered.... that 8 or 9 pound baby didn't have such chubby arms, and he definitely couldn't use them to hug my neck. And my 20 pound baby can't say "Mommy" yet. Only God can give gifts that keep giving!

The first Cycle

Mothering is round the clock.... like laundry :). I love it more than anything I've ever done, and I love him more than anything in the world, but kids have this thing about routine.... eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep, etc. until tomorrow when we do it all again! So in between the eating and the playing (during the sleeping), comes the mommy moments. The times when I actually can eat lunch, or read, or well... throw in a load of laundry. Its in those moments that this blog will take form. So forgive me if there is a missing sock or an occasional dirty t-shirt thrown in here somewhere. It probably just means that the baby woke up mid-sentence and the cycle started over! But, my hope for this blog is that it is a mis-matched collection of funny stories, cute sayings, and life lessons I learn from my child(ren) and my husband during the simplest moments.