Hello Again

So, I've never been good with this blogging stuff. Life kinda takes over and I don't have time to write it all down. Although, reading back on some posts I wish I did! It has been one month shy of a year since I posted last. For the most part I think it has been because I was comfortable and content with life as it was and there just wasn't much to write about. Funny how God doesn't leave us comfortable for too long....

 A couple months ago I realized I was feeling lingering physical discomfort throughout my monthly cycle. When I went to the doctor's, after hearing my symptoms, he deduced that I most likely have endometriosis. He said I probably have had it since High school, but when I got married the birth control cleared it up enough to allow me to get pregnant immediately after I went off. Pregnancy held off further growth of Endometriosis, but after I finished nursing, it grew again. Now we are having trouble conceiving number two and in the 3 months of trying, I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

 I began getting nervous about this whole thing before seeing the doctor. I don't know if it was intuition or something physiological, but something told me that it wouldn't be as easy to get pregnant this time around. So my wrestling match with God began even before I knew for certain what was going on. Funny how I always assume the worst.

 Infertility has been one of my biggest fears in the past because having children has always been the dream that is closest to my heart. I never had any career goals, just wanted to be a mom and I always wanted more than two kids. Of course I had detailed plans about how I wanted the first two to be close together and ideally have two more a little more spaced out. Funny how we think we can decide these things.... When I found out I was pregnant with Jadon, my fears of infertility dissipated and because he came in the first month of trying, I never thought I would have to worry again. So I began planning for baby and delivery, with c-section being my worst fear. And guess what.... emergency c-section. Funny how God uses those "worst case scenarios" to show that he is sovereign and he wants full control. And there is where the wrestling comes in.

 As soon as I felt the pelvic discomfort at the onset of trying for number two, I started googling and discovering that my symptoms appeared to be the same as endometriosis, I said "Well, there it is. I'm not going to be able to have more kids. God has it out for me..." And I started coming to him. Complaining to Him. Telling him my feelings. Telling him I'm hurting. Telling him I'm scared. Telling him what I want. Telling him how much I want it. Almost demanding it. Mostly sounding like a spoiled child. Here I was with a wonderful husband, a comfortable house, plenty of food, a loving family and a darling little boy who is the joy of our lives. And I'm whining to God for more. Looking back to the whining times, if I were God I would have said, "come back when you can change your attitude." But instead, I felt as if God were saying, "Good, you're back. Your attitude is all wrong, you are here because you want something, but at least you are back. Here in my arms. Depending on me again...." And though his answer remained "Not now" he held me, consoled me, whispered to me, and called me out. And I was hearing him again.

  Things He said:
1. I made you. The doctor can't even diagnose you without surgery, but I formed every part of your body. I know how they are supposed to work, and I know how yours are affected now. If I formed you, I can heal you. But regardless, you are wonderfully made.
 Psalm 139: 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

 2. Trust me. Take captive your fears, they don't come from me. I can give you peace, but you have control your thoughts.
 Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

 3. You will have the opportunity to share me with future generations. To people yet unborn. Psalm 22:30-31 Our Children will also serve him. Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord. His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born. They will hear about everything he has done.

 4. While you're waiting, take joy in hoping. Don't be afraid of disappointment. Take joy in imagining the great things I have planned. Be patient through the pain, it is temporary. Keep coming to me! Romans 12:2 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

 These things are the extent of what I've written down. He's said other things, in other ways. My prayers are more submissive now, telling him that I trust him, but still asking Him for my hearts desire. They seem to always end asking Him what I should be doing in the meantime.... as far as the Kingdom goes. I don't know what this whole thing will bring about, but I am starting to think that my purpose extends past just raising my own children, but I don't know what that means just yet. I'm excited to find out!

  Some God tiny little God things that I stressed over and He took care of....

 1. Fear: What to do in the meantime? Should I go to the doctor again? Should I try to have the diagnostic surgery earlier? What if it gets worse? Should I change my entire diet?
 God's Provision: Mom was reading a fiction novel from the 1800s. The main character was going through menopause and thought she was going to die. The Doctor gave her Lydia Pinkham's Tonic and it got rid of her symptoms. Mom was dealing with some menopausal type things and googled it. Turns out they still sell it and people gave it raving reviews. After doing some of my owns research I find out that it not only helps with menopause, but it also helps relieve menstrual cramps AND is used for infertility!

 2. Fear: Would it be trying to fix it myself if I took this medicine? Would I be trusting the medicine or God? God's Answer: Sometimes I perform miracles by sheer power of mind. Other times I ask for tokens of faith. I made 5 loaves feed 5000 people. Do you think I really needed the 5 loaves?

 3. Fear: Is it safe to take? Will it jeopardize implantation?
 God's Provision: I called the doctor and had trouble getting through. They said they would call me back. As I sat in the parking lot at the store I debated if I should go in or not. I quickly prayed they wouldn't call while I was in the store. I went in and looked, didn't find anything so I left. As I was opening my car door, they called. Reassured me that I could take it before Ovulation, but not after.

 4. Fear: I ordered the medicine late and had to borrow mom's. Not enough for the entire 10 days or so. Answer: Medicine arrived WAY earlier than expected. Only missed 1 dose.

 This may be the beginning of a long journey of ups and downs. Or maybe it is a test of my faith, to see how I would respond in the waiting. Maybe I will have to wait a lot longer than expected to hold my second child in my arms, or maybe just a few short months. No matter what happens, I am close to God again. Sitting at his throne, communing with Him, trying to serve him, crying out to him, and falling asleep on His gigantic omnipotent chest. My perspective is slowly changing, and it sometimes hurts a lot, but I would not change it for anything, even my deepest desire.


Side Bar:
Before the doctor's visit, when I was beginning to suspect that something was wrong, I went to a Tenth Avenue North Concert with Mom, Jen and Taryn. I wanted desperately to hear from God. It seemed that the theme of the night, at least the one I kept hearing was Freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from slavery, freedom in Christ, etc. At one point (and I hesitate to say this was from God) this thought hit me like a slap in the face: "Carleigh means freedom. You will have a Carleigh someday." Was it something I heard because I wanted to hear it? Maybe. Was it something I will remember with some emarassment because it didn't come true or because I will end up having a boy..... perhaps. But I wanted to write it down, so when it does happen, I can look back and see God's fingerprints.....